Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.