GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.