Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I do the same thing after pumping gas that I do after sex... (Sniff my fingers)

   My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise.

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.

   When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out.

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.