Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   I remember "The Simpsons" episode when Homer won a Grammy, then threw it into a dumpster. A bum picked it up, and even he didn't want it.

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   A Facebook s tatus update so confusing you turn your radio down to read it.

   Oh the irony of these ugly and fat mother’s insisting and demanding that their sons only marry a woman who is beautiful and slender.

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Women have no issue with their man having a female friend *as long as she's elderly, obese or severely disabled

   In Kanyes defense, you would be an a$$hole too if you had to hang out with Kanye all the time.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to my liquor cabinet.

   Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   Love isn't going to knock on your door, unless you fall in love with a Jehovah's Witness.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   You're over the age of 12. Maybe use the word "YOLO" a little less. Or, better yet..not at all.