unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.