griff Funny Status Messages

   Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her ass.

   Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun...I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out...I'm going at nite

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

   Thinks Women are magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, can make boneless meat ROCK HARD!

   s a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   While cooking dinner tonight I got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted

   was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!

   Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...