Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there. 
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.
Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.
At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.
I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.
Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.
wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.
Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.
just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY
My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.
tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave... 