Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people say "Bite me", and then act all surprised when I do.

   I told my wife I'd fix it. She said "Today"? Didn't realize we were getting specific.

   My retirement plan is a fishing rod and nobody needing anything from me for 6 hours.

   Every husband believes one good weekend will get him caught up on everything.

   I told my wife I'd handle it. Now we're both waiting to see what that means.

   Wife: the dishwasher is broke. It's time to get a new one. Me: There's nothing wrong here. You look fine to me.

   Apparently, I can't nickname my coworker 007 for having 0 skill, 0 motivation, and taking at least seven breaks a day. If you need me, I'll be in HR.

   Amazon's customer service strategy is simple. Here's your refund. Leave us alone!

   And scientists are also studying me to figure out how I am so handsome.

   Scientists are studying gary2.0s humor to determine how a joke can miss the target by that much.