Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.