Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.