Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.

   What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience