Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   Me and my recliner go way back.