Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut