Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

   I’m gonna tell you something right now, tis not the time to have allergies.

   when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it