Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

   As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..

   Lazy Rule #14: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge or the stove...

   That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good life.

   The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   Ladies, enough with the mind games. If you like a boy, grab his hand and shove it down your pants!

   just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race

   Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.

   She tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when she pees.

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   All I'm saying is black actors never adopt poor white babies. Pretty selfish, blactors.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   I think instead of "LOL"....Im gonna go with "SALTS" (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   what would the world be like if everyone went back to their own country?

   Sometimes, I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.