Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   #ThatMomentOfHappiness when you see your ex and they're doing worse without you in their life

   We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.

   Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.

   God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

   Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

   Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I've licked them seductively - what more can I do?

   We don't want Justin Bieber either...... Canada!

   When I want to trim down my friend's Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

   Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?