Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   I just want to be the reason you lower your standards.

   Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   what wine goes with Mood Stabilizers

   We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   Costco Because married people deserve to go on dates too.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she buying me beer until she does!