Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.

   In order to help her inner city supporters Hillary is urging President Obama to sign an executive order replacing the word "Looting" with the words "Undocumented Shopping."

   I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.

   ... Ask Yourself ... If the "Clinton Foundation" is such a Philanthropic entity ... Why didn't a single person mention it during the Democrat Convention? .... NOT EVEN HILLARY HERSELF!!!

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   practicing my "I Love It" look when I get another tie from my kids.

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?