Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gravity, is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Magnetism , Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

   I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Google and Me, it's like we finish eachother's sentences."

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   Millennials look at Joe Biden like a rotary phone is running for President.

   If you think she posts a lot of photos of her pregnancy wait until that kid arrives.

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.