Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!

   We're only 4 years away from when Back to the Future 2 happens.

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   Why all the smack talk? It was a great game on both sides, but say that Canada owned USA is incorrect. USA won the first game and Canada had to OT to win the gold. No ownage, just great play when it mattered. Congrats to Canada, be proud not typical.

   Live,Laugh, Love if that doesn't work- Raise, Aim and Fire..

   Time magazine named "protestors" as people of the year. Here's an idea for the Ass bags at Time. If you want to honor a group of people, how about the members of Seal Team Six!!!!!

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is.

   wonders if there is a manly way to eat a banana??

   How to impress a woman: kiss, hug, compliment, love, tease, protect, listen, support. How to impress a man: Show up NAKED with BEER!!!

   Grab your balls..... We're going bowling!

   Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.