Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

   Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn't give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the sh*t they have put them through. I am not one of those people!

   Why don't they air "Shark week" in the winter when we all don't care about swimming?

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   Go ask a little kid what a VCR is. I dare you

   Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...

   The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

   Always believe a woman when she says: “You don't want to know!”

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 whole years... Now, don't YOU think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself.?

   Chemically speaking... alcohol is a solution.

   Guy: if I could change the alphabet, I would put you and I together. :) Girl: oh there's no need to do that, N and O are already together...

   If life gave Lady Gaga lemons, she'd probably make an outfit out of them.

   It's Facebook that made me realize that I 'Like' so many things.

   Hugh Hefner's 60 year younger fiance called off their wedding due to a 'change of heart'. Does 'change of heart' mean 'saw the prenup'?

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

   We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a f**k.

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.

   My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!