Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   I think before people are allowed to protest and try to overturn an election, The protesters should first be required to take a basic Civics 101 class.

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I wanna check out your booty

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's chocolate involved.

   If you asked me to guess what perfume the lady next to me is wearing, I think I'd have to say every one she owns.

   Its funny, not once as a kid did I watch The Muppets and noticed the strings.