Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smell that? Time for Joe’s diaper change.

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad"

   I'm convinced the only thing new moms know how to do is upload pictures of their baby on facebook.

   you know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   The greatest thing about living near a prison is, my Sunday afternoon sprints down the highway in an orange jumpsuit...

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbrs over the globe thing until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request.

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   NEWS: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" What site are they using? It's free for me.

   My favorite animal is steak.

   President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   After 2 years I finally found the back piece to one of my remotes. This means more to me than it probably should.

   Not to scare anyone, but we're only a decade or so away from grandmothers named Amber or Brittany.

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.