Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   ... Well .... For the safety of all in attendance ... I certainly hope the official Olympic Flame in Brazil will be comprised of a gargantuan industrial sized Citronella candle!

   I'm so old I'm still looking for Waldo. F*ck Pokemon.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   What part of "billionaire playboy" don't you understand?

   Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.