Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that part in Toy Story 3 were Andy gives away his toys? Well I find that part sadder than the whole twilight movies..

   Any of my friends who believe the "Mayan's Prediction" please let me know as soon as possible. Your opinion will only be based on this years Christmas gifts. Thanks :)

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   No one gets to the age of fifty without making a few enemies.

   My doctor won't tell me the diagnosis unless I upgrade to Bonus Features.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch.

   "I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren

   Love your job but don't love your company because you may not know when your company stops loving you.

   Anyone else thinking they should drop Mike Rice into North Korea, just to get the ball rolling already?

   I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method

   Your ability to provide food is the only thing keeping your cat from murdering you.

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   It is bit unsettling how these ads on FB target you. Saw one today that said something like this: "Young, hot women looking for over 50 guys that are under 5"8" with symptoms of ADHD!" Sign up today!!"

   Stop focusing on the meaning of life and focus on finding a life with meaning.

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.

   I promise to love you for better or until things get worse.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   My girlfriend has over 1000 female Facebook friends. 132 Notifications later....that's the last time I'll ever be the first person to comment when she post a picture of her damn cat...

   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.