Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feels like posting tomorrow's status update today

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.

   Does anyone besides me think the new Olympic Mascots resemble sex toys?????

   Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

   You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   hopes Joran van der Sloot gets the electric chair...then he'll be called 'The Frying Dutchman'

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   please don't interrupt me while I am ignoring you.

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   If you can't be a good example, be a warning...

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   Just want to hang out with my friends, regardless of race, and make fun of idiots....regardless of race.