Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.

   Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

   Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get weirder.

   Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn't work. Don't believe the Rumors.

   What rhymes with Cupid?