Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?

   I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him !!

   I wish there was a "roll my eyes" button on Facebook.

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   on dec 21st all the power companies should shut off the power for 10 minutes just to make people flip out

   Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   Sharing vigil photos on FB does not solve anything, better values, spending time with your kids and raising them right does.

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?