Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   thinking...Am I the only one that finds it ironic that President Obama waited to interrupt network TV on Osama Bin Ladens death right before Donald Trump was about to fire someone on "The Celebrity Apprentice"?

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom