Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.