Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!