Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.