Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!

   <~~When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home..I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row just to mess with people as they walk in ;)

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   I didnt win the mega millions. But if you did I LOVE YOU!

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."

   Music is the best Time Machine.