Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   I've never liked FIFA either. They take way too much out of my paycheck.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.