Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   Driving to work would be so much better if I didn't always end up at work.

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......