Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.