Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather SH!T in my hands and clap!"

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat...

   "Putting a load in the dishwasher" has different meanings depending on whether you're married or not.

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.