Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?