Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''

   When I was a child,I acted like a child and had imaginary friends,now they just call it facebook.

   Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"

   I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies

   If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.