Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I'm going back to bed for six weeks.

   ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   if you are going to write on the dust on my car please dont date it

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   I never make the same mistake twice.... I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   loves how my gf calls me on her breaks. Which involves hearing courtesy flushes. Learn to break somewhere else.Thanks.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   May the 4th be with you!