Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep

   I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?