Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?