Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   According to the BMI chart I am too short.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay

   it just me? Or are the three finalists at the end of Funniest Home Videos never the funniest?

   It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.