Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.