Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.