Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard

   Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.

   Never run after a bus or a woman....There will always be another.

   My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening

   How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their WiFi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?

   "Let me put it simply. You can't find out who sees your profile. You won't win Southwest Airlines tickets. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free iPads. And you can't see the video of Osama's death.. Not on

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!

   Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.