Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.

   I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered shît without pickles in it.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.