Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered shît without pickles in it.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard