Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Fun Fact: Vanilla Ice's original album To the Extreme has sold more copies than every Justin Bieber album combined. Word to yo mutha.

   NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".