Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them

   I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone

   It's pretty sad when the highlight of a three hour football game is out staged by a red m&m."

   Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.

   I wish folks would stop these Passive Aggressive attempts at trying to guilt us into advancing their religious, social, or political causes by ending the posts with, "Let's see how many of my true friends will post this." PI$$ OFF!

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.