Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!

   - So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....

   thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

   I am used but in good condition

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.

   If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!