Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.

   Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!

   Let's call it erection day, since all we're doing is voting for a bunch of d!cks.

   WARNING: Life portrayed on Facebook maybe more screwed up than it appears.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.