Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D

   If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.

   Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!

   Let's call it erection day, since all we're doing is voting for a bunch of d!cks.

   WARNING: Life portrayed on Facebook maybe more screwed up than it appears.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them

   I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.